|
Firebrand3
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Joshua
Country: United States
State: Ohio
Metro: Columbus
Birthday: 7/8/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Music (all kinds cept for country), Movies (all kinds cept for horror), Reading, Acting, Working, Ashley, and Singing
Expertise: Being sweet. Being blunt. Being on the clock.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/4/2005
|
|
| I can't wait to move back to OSU. I am so bored here. The highlight of my day was my online fantasy football draft (in which i was first pick) and watchin baseball games online to see if my fantasy team can make the playoffs. Im a big loser. Just as Jeff said... Wicked is a bitch to read, so thats no fun. All of my friends are gone... back to their respective schools. Even my lil bro who has been surprisingly short of unmanagable all summer started school. I miss my friends, I miss having somethin to wake up for, I miss not having to spend money to be entertained or fed everyday, and I miss not caring that I dont have a car. And, I hate to say, I even miss OSU football. Or maybe thats just me thirsting for something, anythin real to cling too. Well... wish me luck in surviving these last 5 day of Cleveland. I can't wait to see you all soon!
That is all I have to say about that. | | |
| Haven’t posted in a while… don’t know where to begin. I just spent the most fantastic week in C-Bus. I got to fall asleep every night with my beautiful girlfriend holding onto me, I got to see Clark and Jason each several times, I watched the entire season 3 of Boy Meets World, I saw the heralded Big Slam (a Betsy Production) in which Kristen was sexy and amazing, and I got a ton more secure in my relationship with Leann. On the down side, I spent a ton more money than I planned, but I every penny was worth it. I am kinda sad that people like Kristen and Chris and Betsy and Sarah never got to hang out with me, but I guess when I waste most of all day sleeping, that’s what I get. In fact, I should be sleeping right now… but I’m thinking that if I just stay awake all night just one night, I am back on the right track. Ooo… I almost forgot the mention the out of the blue, for no apparent reason, call from Cole. It shouldn’t have brightened my day as much as it did, I guess… but in the age of computers and such, its nice to hear a persons voice from time to time (although, I have recently come to realize I have a long avoided issue I have with telephone conversations). Anyway… given my lack of sleep, I’m kinda sluggish, and don’t really know what to say. I’m sad to have to head back home. I’m sad I didn’t get to spend more time with more people. I’m sad to have to say goodbye to Leann. I’m really sad that I didn’t get to kiss her, or mix bodily fluids in anyway while I was here… which sux for a guy who hasn’t gotten any in a while… and who misses that part of his relationship most… but as I said… the time I had with her was wonderful, and I am 110% more confident in our future. I’m sure I’ll post and/or talk to you all about my week away from home… for now… I need to do something that isn’t sitting in front of a computer if I really want to beat nocturnalism!
That’s all I have to say about that. | | |
| what was supposed to be a weekend alone with my girl turned very sour indeed. after she got sick, and i went through the mellow dramatic over anyalization of my life, and all plans were canceled, i became aware that my brother would be staying here for lack of anywhere else to go. so far, and this is the half way point of my mom's vacation, he has...
fallen asleep on my bed
come home strung out on coke twice
cut up crack rocks in my room
used my phone several times... without restraint... to arrange for sales and pick ups
eaten my food
tried to take my entire DVD collection to his friends house
"borrowed" 10 bux
taken my poker shit to his friends house without returning it on time
bickered about how easy my childhood was compared to his on 3 occassions
walked into my room while i was naked twice
walked into my room while i was asleep 5 times demanding that i wake up on each occasion
invited himself to join me for Subway... my treat
taken movies without asked three times
tried to recruit me as his OSU dealer
brought no less than 5 different friends over
used my phone to call MY friends and try to sell them drugs
taken my car despite my protests on 4 different occasions... each time to the "bank" (he doesnt belong to any bank... he has no legitimate money)
stolen at least 3 dollars from my change cup
and...
screamed outside my window for 10 min when i locked the door specifically to keep him out
i am going to kill my mom when she comes home for allowing him to "stop by and keep me company" while she was away. i know the kid is down on his luck, but seriosuly... why does that mean I have to be dragged down with him. ugh. i can't stand him. i don't know how i can deal with two more days of this. i looked forward to this weekend as some time alone with my girl, now its become my own personal hell. i have few friends in the area, no cash, little gas, no plans, and an annoying fuckin brother to fuck with me every step of the way. there is no way we came from the same mother.
thanks for listening to me whine.
that is all i have to say about that. | | |
| that entire last post is bull shit... nevermind it. i love leann so much... this distance is just getting to me. please forgive my over-analytical mellow drama.
and that is all i have to say about that. | | |
| Hmm… something is working against me here. When Leann and I first broke up, it was basically due to a string of things that led me to feel not wanted… the list is growing again. This summer, girls have been fallin out of the woodwork to profess their affections for me… and it has been flattering and all, but it, as all things do, has made me think. Leann is not a good flirt at all, she never will be, and I’m cool with that, but lately I have been missing that more than I would like to admit. These girls who are interested in me make me feel more wanted than Leann has in a while. Don't get me wrong, she needs me... she loves me... and she cares for me... but she doesnt want me, or at least she doesnt act like it. I try to credit this all to the distance that keeps us apart, and tell myself that the new year will help to solve all those problems... all we need to do is spend time together, and I’ll start to feel wanted again… cuz we really haven’t had that much of a chance to spend time together since we got back together… which means that none of the problems that we had have actually been solved, they have just been discussed and she has reassured me that we can get through it. I’m starting to doubt.
So back to time together being the solution I craved. I had planned to spend a lot of the next 14 days with her… including a weekend alone here in Cleveland. I was really looking forward to this as a chance to rekindle the embers of passion. But fate has spat at me. She was just tentatively diagnosed with mono. This means that odds are, she wont be able to come here to see me, and even if she does, anything more than a friendly hug is off limits. I feel like life just keeps making it harder and harder for me to be with her. I love her with all my heart, but I don’t feel drawn to her and I don’t feel wanted. I keep rationalized that if I wait, the time for us to heat up our relationship will come, but it keeps getting postponed… time and again. Ugh! I’m trying hard not to let this blow itself out of perspective, but at the same time… what if I am supposed to be seeing all this? What if Leann can’t give me that feeling that I need?
But then again… what if I did this to myself. I have such a need to take care of my girl, to be a perfect boyfriend, to sweep her off her feet everyway I can that I have made it so that she feels weird switching things around. Or worse, what if I am incapable of feelin wanted the way I want to feel wanted. Like… I try to be as amazing as I can be, but while I’m doing all that, I cant stop and read the simple signs, or I don’t let myself worry about it so long as I can still make her feel wanted or that I just cant feel wanted. Maybe my interesting childhood has fucked me outa being able to feel that. I’m so goal oriented, that maybe I’m incapable of letting myself stop to be taken care of, seduced, or otherwise out of the drivers seat. Woah… I need a min to think on that.
I don’t understand how this relationship got this hard. Are relationships supposed to be this confused and complicated. I used to just be happy to be with her… now I have to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing for me, and the right thing for her. Is this a point all relationships reach… would I have to face this with every girl, or is this a complication that signals that we should part ways? I dunno… I can think myself in circle all day long. I want to be with her, I want to see her… but its almost easier if I don’t. If I see her, and problems aren’t solved, I still don’t feel wanted, then it leaves me no outs… but for now I can point the finger at the space between us. I dunno.
That’s all I have to say about that. | | |
|
